Friday, 30 January 2009

What's Goin' On?

Nothing as interesting as the stuff goin' on in the Marvin Gaye song, I hasten to mention.

I've submitted my final anthology story for The Affair and working very hard on convincing myself that what I think a story is like is hardly ever what anyone else thinks it is. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing. Cryptic enough for you, eh? Eh?

It's just that, for some reason, I have that annoying line of Dr Johnson's burned into my brain: 'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' I'm just entertaining a sneaky hope that the converse might be true and passages I think are really strange and probably terrible, but seem stubbornly resistant to editing, are truly my finest work. Arf arf.

On the bright side, finishing that story means that I can crack open a few books that have been awaiting my attentions, most notably Janine Ashbless's Dark Enchantment, plus everything I got for Christmas.

And when I've finished that, I shall start the book I intend to win in the Random House Valentine's Day prize draw. Details here, for anyone who wants to fight me, I mean, join me in bidding, for Portia da Costa's In Too Deep.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Shiny, Shiny, Shiny Boots of Leather

Lovely boots! Boots with stiletto heels and laces, that creak a bit when you walk.

These are on my list of sexy things. Here are some:

My nan would ask, 'How the 'eck do you walk in those?' She would be missing the point by a mile.

But when it comes down to it, I prefer something less dominatrix and more Victorian governess. I go for this style:

No Uggs in my wardrobe.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

If Power is the Ultimate Aphrodisiac...

...why aren't we all out shagging pylons?

The powerful man struts through the pages of erotic stories as if he owns the place - he probably does. And I like to read and write about him ripping metaphorical (or indeed literal) bodices as much as the next smut fiend. What is it about this guy, though, given that most of his real-life counterparts are really not that sexy?

I mean, plenty of women fancy President Obama, but I'd put that down more to his general attractiveness than his residency of the Oval Office. His predecessor wasn't exactly getting knickers thrown at him, after all. (Just shoes.)

The power-brokers of erotica are different animals - not just in charge of great dominions, but personally magnetic with it.

But what came first? The power or the charisma?

Who cares? They're hott!

(Don't ask me to tell you my shameful secret politician crush though - it is much too embarrassing for public consumption...)

Sunday, 18 January 2009

Quotations, Quotations, Quotations

Is writing speech in quotation marks like 'this' such a difficult habit to acquire, when one has been used to "these"? Apparently so. I have the double quotations branded into my brain; however hard I try to give the treacherous buggers the slip, they sneak into my pages and conceal themselves. I've gone cross-eyed with the effort of trying to locate them amongst the letters that so effectively harbour them. It's a conspiracy, I tell ye.

Farewell, John Mortimer, without whose sterling work in the name of free speech we would never have known our beloved friends John Thomas and Lady Jane from Lady Chatterley's Lover. Which means that maybe there would never have been a Black Lace. Yikes!

So I'm raising a glass to Sir John. I was a big fan of Rumpole of the Bailey as well.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Does Your Mother Know You're In?

When you have a piece of erotica accepted for publication, whom do you tell?

Unseasoned as I am in the world of lubricious lit, I had the rather thrilling impression that I was joining a pseudonymous coven of secretive storytellers lurking beneath the respectable facades of our respective towns in a David Lynchian kinda way. Since then, I have read a few blogs that completely give the lie to this - writers who are quite open and happy to share personal details along with snippets from their books. So is erotica writing - gasp! - respectable?

I cannot imagine telling either of my parents about my forthcoming print debut - particularly my dad, who has smoked 40+ a day since running away to sea at fifteen and doesn't really need the additional strain on his cardiac muscles.

And besides, I like the idea of keeping myself veiled and partially obscure, perhaps beneath something like the black lace mantilla my overdramatic twelve year old self liked to wear to Mass. Black lace! Was it a portent?? Erm, no. I have precious few opportunities in life to be enigmatic, and I find I enjoy it.

This is me, for the time being...

Saturday, 10 January 2009

I Would #1

'You have to take me seriously
Very seriously indeed
Because I've been sleeping with your wife for the past 16 weeks
Smoking your cigarettes
Drinking your brandy
Messing up the bed you chose together
And in all that time I just wanted you to come home unexpectedly one afternoon
And catch us at it in the front room'

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

We are all in the gutter...

...but some of us are looking at the stars.

Unfortunately, I think I'm facing in the other direction.

If your local paper featured the headline: 'WILL GEORGE FILL WOOLLIES VOID?', what would be your understanding of the story?

That the clothes retailer 'George at Asda' may intend to buy the premises recently vacated by F.W. Woolworth Ltd.?

Or: That Woollie really needs to do some pelvic floor exercises?

I really think there is no hope for me.

Friday, 2 January 2009


As in, Hedonistic New Year.

In 2009, I might get me some of this...

Stockings on trollops and strangers at stations
Cufflinks and pinstripes and birch flagellations
Corseted ladies all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Wenches in bondage and rogues with moustaches
Blindfolds and leather and dozens of lashes
Daring liaisons and dangerous flings
These are a few of my favourite things

I hope your favourite things will be in plentiful supply this year.